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I don’t know what it is about clowns. They creep the hell out of me. Maybe it has something to do with being a kid, going to the circus, seeing some clowns, smelling  ether, waking up naked and chained to a pipe in some basement, living in my own filth for several days, screaming myself hoarse. I don’t know. But they creep me out.

Watch this short clip of a dancing clown. This clown is harmless enough and just wants to make us laugh. So why does it make my flesh crawl and my bowels slacken?

Yeesh!

As mentioned here before, I used to suffer from some nasty night-time reflux. Neither of the doctors I saw (my own GP, plus my wife’s) had any questions about lifestyle or dietary habits. No, all they wanted to know was if I had drug coverage, which I assumed was so they could prescribe me expensive brand-name drugs rather than cheaper generics. Seems a lot of doctors these days are nothing more than shills for Big Pharma. As to the whys and hows I was having reflux, they didn’t seem too concerned.

So, apparently the reasoned and compassionate medical solution was  to continue any bad habits and just take the purple pill. Which I did for a while.

But then I decided that curing the reflux was more to my benefit than just masking it with treatment. And certainly better than continuing to donate to Astra Zeneca’s colossal profits each quarter. So after a few months of experimenting with some simple dietary and lifestyle changes, I finally managed to cure my acid reflux.

The solution was simple: All I did was cut back on heavily refined and processed foods. No more potato chips, fast food burgers, and other foods laden with preservatives, additives, and overly processed flours, sugars, and grains. I started eating more whole foods, such as lean meats, vegetables, and healthy fats. I also added a few sessions of moderate exercise each week. This helped my gut to heal from the dietary abuse I had inflicted on it over the years and also had the side kicker of helping me lose a few unwanted pounds, a much better side-effect than those of proton-pump inhibitors.

Will this work for everyone? I don’t know. I’ll still get a bit of recurrence if I eat the wrong thing, but 99% of the time now I am completely reflux free. What I do know is that reflux is a common problem and that a lot of us are eating crap that might be better left on the store shelves or the fast-food heat rack. Maybe our bodies are trying to tell us something about refined and processed foods that manufacturers and retailers would rather we didn’t know. It already seems generally accepted that these foods have contributed to the obesity epidemic. Maybe it’s not a stretch to wonder if they are involved in many other ailments and diseases as well.

Doesn’t matter where I go. Might be the grocery store, might be a fast-food drive-thru. It doesn’t matter. Each time it seems I get stuck behind some IDIOT who either can’t make a decision or doesn’t know how the system works. Or some guy who is ordering meals for an entire construction crew.

It’s bad enough that the person behind the counter is often struggling to function, but when the customer is also only two or three evolutionary steps beyond a slush puddle, it’s enough to burn your ass with rage.

Okay, maybe just mine. But you know what I mean.

The other day I’m at a mall food court (I’m not proud of it, but sometimes ya gotta eat). There is only one lady ahead of me. Mind you, she has four young kids with her, but I figure things will still move somewhat quickly. After all, there is plenty of time to look at the large menu that is proudly displayed overhead in large letters and bright colors, listing all of the available food items and prices. There are even pictures for those who don’t know what “chicken” or “hamburger” means.

For some reason, this lady decides to wait until she gets to the cash to figure out what she wants. Even though she’s been standing in front of the menu for several minutes, it’s as if she is now just seeing it for the first time. First she asks the kids to choose what they want, an event that proceeds in a calm and orderly fashion. Much like your average soccer riot.

Time drags and drags, stops for a bit, and then drags some more. Finally, everyone seems to agree on what they want. But she is not satisfied. Now she feels the need to start mucking things up.

“How much would this be?” she asks. “How much would that be? Can I get this if I get that? Do I have to have this if I order that? Does that come with pickles? Could he get a large juice instead of a medium? How much mayonnaise is on that?”

I swear this went on for years. Even the young girl working the cash, after tapping in orders, canceling orders, answering questions, then tapping in orders again, looked ready to either break down and cry or blow her brains out. In the line-up, you could glance around and see the murderous thoughts lurking in everyone’s eyes.

First of all, figure out what you want before you get up to the cash. If you cannot figure it out, or need more time to contemplate such an earth-shattering decision as to what fatty, shitty food to stuff in your mouth, kindly step aside and let the other hungry people who do know what they want go ahead of you. This is called “courtesy”. It’s the same thing that keeps all of us who patiently wait from smashing your skull against the counter.

Second, stay home and wait for the trucks. They will be around to pick you up shortly.

Coca-Cola is defending itself from a lawsuit alleging that they have misrepresented their vitaminwater product as a “healthy” beverage. Interestingly, their defense is the statement that “no consumer could reasonably be misled into thinking vitaminwater was a healthy beverage.”

While their advertising and marketing has no doubt played into the “water + vitamins = healthy” assumption of the average consumer, anyone who looks at the nutritional label (it only take a few seconds and a minimal effort) can see that a bottle of vitaminwater contains around 125 calories and a whopping 33 grams of sugar.

What else would you expect from a company whose entire product line revolves around the shoveling of sugared water down our throats?

John Robbins at Huffington Post has asked: “How many people with weight problems have consumed products like vitaminwater in the mistaken belief that the product was nutritionally positive and carried no caloric consequences? How many have thought that consuming vitaminwater was a smart choice from a weight-loss perspective?”

The answer is: Who cares?

If you are watching calories or interested in controlling your weight, read the damn labels before you stuff it in your mouth. Don’t expect corporations to be truthful and forthcoming or hold your hand when it comes to making dietary choices. Don’t believe advertising hype, do your own research, and be responsible for the things you put into your own body.

It is not Coca-Cola’s fault that some people are either too stupid or lazy to read the labels.

In 2004, my wife and I traded in our 98 Pontiac Sunfire and bought a  Hyundai Santa Fe. It just turned 5 years old and we were thinking about how much we love the thing. Over 140,000 clicks and the only problem we’ve had was a faulty mirror switch. I’m a complete car ‘tard; I don’t know a damn thing about them other than how to drive ‘em. The only time I’m under the hood is to add washer fluid. So the fact that the Santa Fe starts each time I turn the key and runs just as efficiently as the day we bought it is enough to make it a winner in my book.

By contrast, the Sunfire was a complete piece of crap. I think the “Check Engine” light came on as soon as we drove it off the lot. We must have paid for a dozen engine scans (which never found anything conclusive, but always seemed to warrant the replacement of various sensors and other expensive parts). The ABS brakes acted up, making an ominous grating sound and shaking the car violently if we applied pressure to the pedal at low speeds. Once, during a routine checkup before a long road-trip, the technicians informed us that the brake lines would need to be flushed and repaired. Trip = postponed, wallet = empty.

Of course, it seemed to be GM policy at every dealership (from BC to ON to NS, as the car followed us during our moving adventures) to up-sell and gouge us for as much as they could get. “Oh, you need this…” or “Oh, you need that…” Always something. I don’t think we ever just paid for the oil change or services we booked, they always found something to charge us extra for. Hell, MacPhee Pontiac in Dartmouth wouldn’t even shuttle us home (we live 20 mins away). But they did value our business so much that they offered us a rental to use while we waited for the servicing to be completed. Thanks, assholes!

When we got tired of the greedy and useless GM dealerships, we started taking the car to Coast Tire. For the most part, they did a good job, until this one time they gave it an alignment. During a trip to Magnetic Mountain in Moncton, they actually refunded our money because the car would not play along and be dragged up the hill by the “mysterious” magnetic forces (i.e. a “mysterious” slight downhill slope). We didn’t know it at the time but the alignment was way off, and after a few weeks the tires ended up being stripped to the steel. It seemed we couldn’t win with that car.

For five years now we have been taking the vehicle to the Hyundai dealership for servicing and not once have they found “issues” that required extensive billing and repairs. The servicing has been professional, courteous, and always completed on time. They have no problem shuttling us around or giving us a loaner. This is how loyal and repeat customers are made. Suck it, MacPhee.

I’d recommend the Santa Fe to anyone who wants an affordable, decent rig to truck around in. Sure, you won’t be able to waste money on premium fuel and outrageous parts prices like you would with a so-called “luxury car”. But it will get you from A to B safely and reliably. And after the servicing nightmares we faced with GM and their craptacular vehicle, its nice to have a dealership that actually sells a decent product and seems to take customer service seriously.