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Doesn’t matter where I go. Might be the grocery store, might be a fast-food drive-thru. It doesn’t matter. Each time it seems I get stuck behind some IDIOT who either can’t make a decision or doesn’t know how the system works. Or some guy who is ordering meals for an entire construction crew.

It’s bad enough that the person behind the counter is often struggling to function, but when the customer is also only two or three evolutionary steps beyond a slush puddle, it’s enough to burn your ass with rage.

Okay, maybe just mine. But you know what I mean.

The other day I’m at a mall food court (I’m not proud of it, but sometimes ya gotta eat). There is only one lady ahead of me. Mind you, she has four young kids with her, but I figure things will still move somewhat quickly. After all, there is plenty of time to look at the large menu that is proudly displayed overhead in large letters and bright colors, listing all of the available food items and prices. There are even pictures for those who don’t know what “chicken” or “hamburger” means.

For some reason, this lady decides to wait until she gets to the cash to figure out what she wants. Even though she’s been standing in front of the menu for several minutes, it’s as if she is now just seeing it for the first time. First she asks the kids to choose what they want, an event that proceeds in a calm and orderly fashion. Much like your average soccer riot.

Time drags and drags, stops for a bit, and then drags some more. Finally, everyone seems to agree on what they want. But she is not satisfied. Now she feels the need to start mucking things up.

“How much would this be?” she asks. “How much would that be? Can I get this if I get that? Do I have to have this if I order that? Does that come with pickles? Could he get a large juice instead of a medium? How much mayonnaise is on that?”

I swear this went on for years. Even the young girl working the cash, after tapping in orders, canceling orders, answering questions, then tapping in orders again, looked ready to either break down and cry or blow her brains out. In the line-up, you could glance around and see the murderous thoughts lurking in everyone’s eyes.

First of all, figure out what you want before you get up to the cash. If you cannot figure it out, or need more time to contemplate such an earth-shattering decision as to what fatty, shitty food to stuff in your mouth, kindly step aside and let the other hungry people who do know what they want go ahead of you. This is called “courtesy”. It’s the same thing that keeps all of us who patiently wait from smashing your skull against the counter.

Second, stay home and wait for the trucks. They will be around to pick you up shortly.

Coca-Cola is defending itself from a lawsuit alleging that they have misrepresented their vitaminwater product as a “healthy” beverage. Interestingly, their defense is the statement that “no consumer could reasonably be misled into thinking vitaminwater was a healthy beverage.”

While their advertising and marketing has no doubt played into the “water + vitamins = healthy” assumption of the average consumer, anyone who looks at the nutritional label (it only take a few seconds and a minimal effort) can see that a bottle of vitaminwater contains around 125 calories and a whopping 33 grams of sugar.

What else would you expect from a company whose entire product line revolves around the shoveling of sugared water down our throats?

John Robbins at Huffington Post has asked: “How many people with weight problems have consumed products like vitaminwater in the mistaken belief that the product was nutritionally positive and carried no caloric consequences? How many have thought that consuming vitaminwater was a smart choice from a weight-loss perspective?”

The answer is: Who cares?

If you are watching calories or interested in controlling your weight, read the damn labels before you stuff it in your mouth. Don’t expect corporations to be truthful and forthcoming or hold your hand when it comes to making dietary choices. Don’t believe advertising hype, do your own research, and be responsible for the things you put into your own body.

It is not Coca-Cola’s fault that some people are either too stupid or lazy to read the labels.

In 2004, my wife and I traded in our 98 Pontiac Sunfire and bought a  Hyundai Santa Fe. It just turned 5 years old and we were thinking about how much we love the thing. Over 140,000 clicks and the only problem we’ve had was a faulty mirror switch. I’m a complete car ‘tard; I don’t know a damn thing about them other than how to drive ‘em. The only time I’m under the hood is to add washer fluid. So the fact that the Santa Fe starts each time I turn the key and runs just as efficiently as the day we bought it is enough to make it a winner in my book.

By contrast, the Sunfire was a complete piece of crap. I think the “Check Engine” light came on as soon as we drove it off the lot. We must have paid for a dozen engine scans (which never found anything conclusive, but always seemed to warrant the replacement of various sensors and other expensive parts). The ABS brakes acted up, making an ominous grating sound and shaking the car violently if we applied pressure to the pedal at low speeds. Once, during a routine checkup before a long road-trip, the technicians informed us that the brake lines would need to be flushed and repaired. Trip = postponed, wallet = empty.

Of course, it seemed to be GM policy at every dealership (from BC to ON to NS, as the car followed us during our moving adventures) to up-sell and gouge us for as much as they could get. “Oh, you need this…” or “Oh, you need that…” Always something. I don’t think we ever just paid for the oil change or services we booked, they always found something to charge us extra for. Hell, MacPhee Pontiac in Dartmouth wouldn’t even shuttle us home (we live 20 mins away). But they did value our business so much that they offered us a rental to use while we waited for the servicing to be completed. Thanks, assholes!

When we got tired of the greedy and useless GM dealerships, we started taking the car to Coast Tire. For the most part, they did a good job, until this one time they gave it an alignment. During a trip to Magnetic Mountain in Moncton, they actually refunded our money because the car would not play along and be dragged up the hill by the “mysterious” magnetic forces (i.e. a “mysterious” slight downhill slope). We didn’t know it at the time but the alignment was way off, and after a few weeks the tires ended up being stripped to the steel. It seemed we couldn’t win with that car.

For five years now we have been taking the vehicle to the Hyundai dealership for servicing and not once have they found “issues” that required extensive billing and repairs. The servicing has been professional, courteous, and always completed on time. They have no problem shuttling us around or giving us a loaner. This is how loyal and repeat customers are made. Suck it, MacPhee.

I’d recommend the Santa Fe to anyone who wants an affordable, decent rig to truck around in. Sure, you won’t be able to waste money on premium fuel and outrageous parts prices like you would with a so-called “luxury car”. But it will get you from A to B safely and reliably. And after the servicing nightmares we faced with GM and their craptacular vehicle, its nice to have a dealership that actually sells a decent product and seems to take customer service seriously.

Everyone has certain regrets in life. One of mine is that I’ve never made the trek to The Amazing Meeting, a get-together for skeptics, rabblerousers, atheists, and debunkers, originally organized and hosted by James “The Amazing” Randi. Randi is 81 now and has intestinal cancer, so the sad reality is that he will likely be leaving us before we’re ready to let him go. But his legacy, the influence he has had on thousands, is undeniable and will last for decades to come.

During my first year of high school, I found his book Flim Flam in the school library. The book exposed all sorts of frauds, such as the cousins Elsie Wright and Frances Griffiths, two young girls who had supposedly photographed fairies in their garden. Many people were fooled by the hoax, including Sir Arthur Conan Doyle of Sherlock Holmes fame.

Randi also revealed the chicanery behind all sorts of paranormal claims, such as mindreaders and psychics, and showed how easy it is for someone with the right kind of skills to fool people into believing almost anything. Even scientists, who were supposedly too smart to be duped. But duped they were. Repeatedly, in fact.

Shortly after that, I saw a NOVA special where, among other things, he demonstrated the techniques astrologers and religious “faith healers” use to deceive an unwitting public (watch some segments on YouTube). Suddenly, I was looking very differently at all the things I had, to some degree, believed in. Information wasn’t as abundant in those days, and if you weren’t looking for it, chances are you wouldn’t come across it. It was easy to remain intellectually idle about the weird and wonderful things we saw in magazines, tabloids, and daytime talk shows.

But Randi taught me that things aren’t always as they seem. The mind and the eye can easily be fooled, and we must always approach any extraordinary claim with a demand for extraordinary evidence. It wasn’t too long before religion also found itself under a more scrutinous eye, and my feet were planted firmly on the road to secularism.

Whether it is seeing him face off against “psychics” on talk shows, reading his columns in Skeptic Magazine, or recognizing his influence on shows such as Penn & Teller’s excellent Bullshit, Randi has been educating and entertaining me and countless others for years.  He truly is a legend of the skeptic community and his works have left a lasting impact, one that will no doubt continue to reverberate for generations to come.