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Several Catholic school boards, most notably those in Burlington and Calgary, have been trying to get Philip Pullman’s book The Golden Compass pulled from library shelves and removed from Scholastic Books’ ordering forms. The books, they say, promote atheism and are anti-Christian. And they say that like it’s a bad thing.

I haven’t read these books, but if Pullman is an atheist and uses his stories to warn against religious tyranny, they can’t be all bad. The buzz on the movie isn’t very good, but I’ll probably end up checking it out, along with all the others who will be buying books and tickets to see what all the fuss is about. I’m sure Pullman is writing a “thank you” note to these groups for providing him with so much free publicity.

Apparently, the Church is not satisfied with ruining its own image with rampant corruption, deception, and centuries of sanctioned pedophilia. Now it seeks to further denigrate its integrity with bullshit protests against childrens fantasy books. Well, if the Catholic groups know about anything, they certainly know about books of fantasy. And children. Especially soft and supple doe-eyed children who know how to keep secrets…

This sad attempt to “protect” children is laughable given the history of predatory priests being shuffled around from church to church. But then again, those priests weren’t writing fables that posit the idea God doesn’t exist; they were only confirming it each time they reached into a child’s pants. Looking to the Catholic Church to protect children is like asking a dog to guard a steak.

In a properly advanced society, no school board would be subject to the whims of organized religion. But Catholic School Boards will continue to try and hide the truth about this world from their students, and thousands of parents will willingly send their kids to be molded by these institutions into good, God-fearing, guilt-stricken, anxiety-ridden, intellectually-impaired adults — something the public school system already does well enough.

When the Church is able to clean it’s own yard, maybe then people will take their criticisms seriously. That is, if we can get past the funny hats. But for now they will continue to grapple with their weakening grip on the minds of those they seek to control and watch helplessly as their credibility and relevance continue to decline.

The Muslim world now has its own version of “Barbie”. Instead of a blonde bimbo with impossible curves and a penchant for wearing bikinis and shopping, their doll is named “Fulla” and has “black hair, auburn eyes and a wide selection of head scarves.” She also comes complete with her own head-to-toe abaya and a prayer rug .

No word on a Muslim “Ken” doll, but they are planning to release a “protective brother” some time next year. He would, of course, come complete with his own pair of clitoral clippers and a small can of gasoline for dousing Fulla should she ever disgrace him by showing her face in public, speaking before being spoken to, or having the audacity to be raped.

Every week it seems like another person finds a religious image, usually the face of Mother Mary or Jesus, ingrained on a piece of wood or scorched into a sandwich. Now we have Satan getting into the act, apparently upset with all the attention the other two have been getting:

Pet store owner: Satan’s image on turtle’s shell (CNN)

The owner of the pet store, who I assume to be a decent fellow with at least half of a functioning brain, gives us this explanation:

“The marking on the shell was like the devil wanted us to know he was down there,” Bryan Dora said. “To me, it’s too coincidental that the only thing to come out unscathed would have this image on it.’”

Ah, of course. Satan was just down there pacing in hell, wringing his hands in frustration, wondering how he could best let us know he was still a threat capable of wreaking evil havoc in the world. What better way to remind us of what a badass he is than by emblazoning his blurry likeness onto the back of a pet-store turtle?

I might have thought that the recent school shootings in Minnesota would be a better example. Or maybe the corpse lined streets of Baghdad. Or maybe the abduction, rape and brutal murder of an innocent 9 year old girl in Florida. But nah, that’s childplay compared to this. It’s a friggin’ turtle, man! (shudder)

Someone should tell Mr. Dora there is also a boogieman under his bed who might grab his feet if they slip outside the covers.

Whether it’s recovery from a serious medical problem, escape from an impending disaster, or simply a second wind when it looked like they were down for the final count, people often say “God helped me through” or “God was looking out for me” or “if it wasn’t for the grace of God I would never have made it.”

Bullshit.

Human beings have been overcoming adversity for as long as we’ve been on this planet. We’ve done it through intelligence, hard work, and the sheer instinctual will to survive and improve the conditions of our lives. Prayer, by itself, has never helped anyone.

But a community of humans, bonded by compassion and love for their fellow human beings, can feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, and work together to build a better world. A human being in tune with their gifts can paint a masterpiece, compose the most beautiful music, or throw the winning pass for a touchdown. A single human being can change the entire world.

As nice as it might sound to true believers, God isn’t helping anyone to win Grammy awards or football games. Nor is he on the beaches of Thailand, India, Sri Lanka or Indonesia, rushing food and medical aid to the multitudes of tsunami victims.

People need to give credit to their own strength and resolve. YOU pulled yourself through. YOU found the will to continue. YOU did all the work and made it happen. All the prayer in the world will not rebuild shattered homes, restore ruined roads, or lift the hopes of a despondent and weary people.

Those of us in the humanist community know it is up to us, as commonly united citizens of the planet, to make things happen. We have to cure our sicknesss and disease; we have to put an end to wars and famine; we have to make this earthly home safe and prosperous for future generations.

Because let’s face it—God has never been interested in the job.