I recently had to see my doctor about a problem I’ve been having. At least once a night, sometimes twice, I’d be awakened by a sudden, burning rush of bile running up my throat. And this was when I hadn’t been drinking. Thinking I was about to take the Bon Scott or John Bonham nosedive, I’d jump out of bed and hurry to the bathroom.
A cold glass of water, some swishie with the mouthwash, and everything would settle down again. But after a few nights in a row it dawned on me that this probably wasn’t a normal thing. I started sleeping on my side and propped an extra pillow under my head to keep it elevated. I wasn’t quite ready for that afterworld jam with Bon and ol’ Bonzo just yet.
It turns out that millions of people suffer from this ailment, which is called Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (“GERD”), or simply Acid Reflux. Reflux happens when acidic content from the stomach escapes into the esophagus and starts making its way up into the mouth. Not quite a full-fledged chunk blow, but close. This can happen anytime but usually occurs while lying down after a big meal or suddenly exerting yourself. Certain foods can trigger it but it is also a common side effect of working night shifts (check) and higher than normal stress levels (check again).
Sometimes heartburn, difficulty swallowing, and chest pain can result from this ungodly backwash of gastric acid and digestive juices. Not to mention the most killer morning breath you’ve ever seen. Literally. And, like everything else, if left unchecked it can lead to cancer, impotence, and eventually death. Ok, maybe not death. Or impotence. But if you do happen to be, er, “engaged” when a blast comes shooting up, you’d better hope your partner has a sense of humor and/or doesn’t take it personal.
My doctor prescribed Zantac (150 mg ranitidine hydrochloride), a histamine receptor antagonist that reduces the amount of acid that the stomach produces. Of course, one of the possible side effects of taking this medication is diarrhea. Always the diarrhea. Why is it that diarrhea has such a monopoly on the side effect market? It’s never a runny nose or maybe a bit of mild itching; no, it’s always a bombastic case of the shits. The pharmacist doesn’t even have to say it anymore; he just hand me the pills, shrugs with a sympathetic smile, and points me in the direction of the toilet paper aisle.
Hopefully these pills cure my reflux. If not I might have to cut back on my excessive coffee drinking, fried baloney feasts, and spicy snacks just before bedtime. And that’s pretty much out of the question.
So it’s a good thing I bought the bulk-sized package of toilet paper.
